Wow negativity sucks.

Sorry bout that last entry. Verdana!!!!

Good, better. Anyway.

I did a lot of stuff. And I'm getting a lot better. I guess I never knew how it felt o be "normal." Well let me tell you, its hella crazy.

And I've never been as happy in a relationship as I am now. Even though I feel like I've said that before, about a thousand times, and I've said THAT before too, things are really working out, and I'm getting over a lot of things. Have gotten over a lot.

The wonders of modern medicine, my friends.

Suck suck suck suck

Friends can be cheating whores sometimes.

Friend friend friend why do you suck so much.

I've decided that 1/100 of the professors at NDSU just suck.

I know thats completely vague as to reason, but for now I don't care.

Sometimes I wish I had just gone to UNLV when I could have probably gotten in free.

Or that I would have made different choices 1 year ago.

Damnit. Jack.

Arrrgh!

I always wanted a pirate-themed wedding. Maybe it will have to be a reception.

New News: Not a lot. Hung out with Nichole and Billy not too long ago, Josh and Claire went to the show, wish I was there, it sounded really awesome. Apparently Josh got so drunk that he was thrown out of the bar.

Now that I would like to see. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Nichole and Billy and I went to see Talladega Nights. It was actually better than I thought it would be, really funny.

Good times.

My jobs have been switching around. I quit my job at Clean Water Action, and my calculus tutoring job didn't quite work out.........that's a nice way to put it, meaning that Ashley no longer remembers anything about differential equations, PDFs, CDFs, and all that other shit that you learn for a couple days to be able to use on the exam and forget just as quickly afterward. Now I may pick up a paper route for the mornings that, coincedentally, delivers to my friend Josh's house, crazy! PRACS is going well, I HAVE A LAB DAY COMING UP!!!! WOOO!!!! And everything else is also going well. Applied at a candy store, hope I get that one, and I just filled out my ..........

TOMAHAWK RETURNING STAFF APPLICATION!!!!!!!!

So that should be fun.

I feel worthless if I'm not doing anything. Anyone else feel like they just HAVE to work?? A lot of jobs?? All the time??

Anyways, in other news, went to the doctor about being sick, they took labs, apparently I'm supposed to be hearing something from them soon. What's wrong with me, oh goodness.

That's about all for now I guess.

Have fun!!!!

Things is Crazy

As the title states, things is crazy.

People are crazy.

They really bother me sometimes.

I know this sounds bad and lame but I'm going to write it anyway.

What's missing is gratitude. Optimism. Taking what you get and making the best of it and knowing that life isn't always about what you're given, but what you make of it.

I strongly believe that everyone is born with the ability to be something great, with the opportunity to make a better life for themselves, and with the drive to be more than average.

I believe that it is selfish to always think of yourself. To always turn things around to how they are affecting you. To never want to sacrifice so that someone else can gain.

And I think that it's wasteful not to try to live up to what you know you can do, or try to do.

We're all given a life. 80-90 years, if even that, that we're guaranteed on this earth.

And people fill it up with so much negativity and pointless problems.

I fill my own life with worries.

I'm worried I won't get good enough grades to be able to get into a good school.

I'll tell you my dream though, what I believe to be my purpose:

I think everyone has a purpose. And there are a multitude of good things about everyone. I think my purpose is to help people, because I've never wanted to do anything else. It's always been my dream to go into the peace corps. At first I went to school to become a teacher, because I wanted to help children learn and try to ignite that fire in them that I felt when I was in school, thanks to a few wonderful teachers that I had.

Then things changed. I saw it on a bigger level. I'm not rich. I didn't graduate with a 4.0. I never thought of being a doctor, because I never considered that I could even try. But I would love to. To help that amount of people, I would love to.

And my advisor told me it could be possible. If I try really really hard. If I do everything I can now to try for something later.

So now I'm taking enough French and Spanish to be able to go into the Peace Corps as soon as possible. I'm hanging out with my friends less, calling people less, which is a sacrifice, but has caused some problems. But they're problems we can work out. And I am grateful to each and every one of my friends-those wonderful souls- for putting up with this and my weird moods and freaking out about one phone call to the point where they think I'm on drugs. But they're great, and I love them, and I wouldn't be who I am without them.I'm working a lot. A lot. To try to get back some of the money I lost this summer, so that when I leave I won't have any finanical strings dangling after me. After the Peace Corps I will try to go to med school.

I still don't know what I want to be and I feel like a failure. I've been in college now 3 years and I still need to complete an undergrad major. I don't want to be a parasite.

I've been given something great. I've been given motivation to do something, anything, to help out however and wherever I can, because I'm never most happy as when I know I've done something for someone. It's why I love Christmas shopping so much. That and Christmas just makes me happy for reasons I don't know.

I guess if my life were a movie I would want to be the protagonist. I would want there to be a wonderfully complex and meaningful plot, thousands of characters, a great soundtrack, and a happy ending.

I love you my friends. I feel like I'm lucky because I found all of you. I hear other people talk about their horrible friends and the things that they do to each other and all the betrayals, and I say, "Really? My friends and I aren't like that." At least I hope I've never slept with any of your boyfriends. Or girlfriends, for that matter. That would be awkward. I guess it just seems the less time I spend with my friends, the more I come to realize just how lucky I am to have them, to have a life where I can try to achieve my dreams, and they'll support me in that.

A great big thanks to all of you.

I Miss Navajo

At Navajo.....

• You don't have to explain yourself to anyone.
• No one notices your weight gain because the class A scout uniform is equally unflattering to everyone (Well, not everyone, but we won't go there)
• The webelos will laugh at anyone who makes a fart noise or tells a poop joke.
• You wake up everyday surrounded by the 20 greatest people in the state of Wisconsin.
• Breaking into song during dinner is expected.
• Dancing is almost mandatory.
• Everything is appreciated, and everyone gives all they have.
• Things like going to the bathroom or getting a drink of water are not taken for granted, especially since you have to walk a quater mile from the tent to do either.
• You're always outside.
• You can laugh at the scouts saying things like, "Curse this hand!!"
• There's always something to do.
• You feel worth something.

Ok, ok, my tirade about Navajo is over. But it is a pretty cool place. With some pretty cool people.

Back to Verdana!!!!! Yay!!!!!!

So I was thinking recently about some stuff. Not very good.

But I'm still here, and I'm pretty darn happy.

I think sometimes I get caught up in what is going on around me and forget to really stop and think all the time of what I'm doing or who it is affecting.

Sometimes you just have to get a little........Nostalgic

• Teresa, Nichole, and I were walking behind Nichole's house in the ice rink of the newly-built school. It was spring and the ice had started to melt. It cracked as we walked across it, and suddenly, it started cracking down the sides, right behind us. I remember the sound was so loud. We ran, screaming, for the other side of the ice, where we came and jumped over the wall just in time, and the sheet of ice we were on sunk into the water, it seemed, just after we stepped off it.
• Josh, Nichole, Teresa, and I have fun and laughs when making fun of people we went to school with. Sad and horrible as it is, we just can't help it. All in all, I'd say we're laughing with them.
• Josh, Jess, and I went to visit Nichole at work. She was busy and wouldn't look at us, so we started acting like dinosaurs in the lobby, dancing around and making dinosaur noises. Apparently that got her attention.
• One of my favorite memories is when Nichole and I first discovered the Monkees. Nichole, Teresa, and I were spending the night in a tent in my backyard where my brother had been living for a couple of weeks. That night, we were flicking through the channels on a little black and white tv that I had brought out there, and we came to a show. Teresa said it was funny, so we watched it. At that moment, Nichole and I were hooked. We spent the next 2 years being obsessed with the band the Monkees. As for the rest of the night, Teresa tried to get to sleep as Nichole made old-woman sock puppets in the light of the flashlight. Then there was a big storm and we thought the tent would blow over, so we went inside.

One night at Navajo there was a giant storm. I awoke in confusion, the noises that had been in my dreams still flooded around me. There were crashes, and the whip of wind all around the tent. It was dark, but outside the tent, a dawn-like glow filtered through the cracks. This is how I saw Jessica's form, by the back of the tent. I was confused and asked her what was going on. I could hear the storm, the flood of rain on the roof and sides of the tent, the wind, the creaking of tree branches and things being blown around.

"Jess, what's going on?" I asked groggily from my bed.
"There's a storm," she said calmly, tying and retying the flaps at the back of the tent,"we have to go."

Then, a sudden sound, a sliding of wood on wood, with a crash and a giant swooping noise, like a parachute coming down. I was getting my shoes on to go outside when I heard it. Oddly enough, I was already dressed, as I had come back to the tent late that night. Jess' bed was empty when I returned. I don't know when she had re-entered the tent.

"What was that?" I asked, still in confusion. "Can you see anything, Jess?"
"Sara's tent just fell down."

We didn't look as we ran from the tent, around the side, and to the platform somewhat behind ours. We saw then, Sara's tent, or what had become of it. The back of the tent had fallen down. After going round to the back I discovered that the cause of the falling was a broken tree branch that it had been attached to. The front, miraculously, had stayed up, and you could see Sara's head, in her bed, dimly through the front opening. She was in a panic. After asessing the situation, I went to the back of the tent to grab the back upright and, with Jess at the front, try to raise and re-tie the tent on the platform. It was difficult, and heavy. The upright was caught in a tangle of rope. I freed it, just in time for John to come to help me back there. He, obviously, wasn't as lucky as Jess and I were in not changing into his pajamas. There he was, standing next to me in the pouring rain, in a white T-shirt and boxers. Lifting the pole together, we got it somewhat onto the platform. At that point, I slipped, and fell 3 feet off the platform, nailing my hip directly onto a very real, very hard log.

The bruise lasted until the last week of camp.